Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Visitor

Originally Appeared Here

Listen- Benny Sisko has come unstuck in time(1)
And me, I'm just left standing here too dumbstruck to rhyme
About what happened to my captain right in front of my eyes
What was a routine expedition ended in a rude surprise
*     *     *
So with out dad's mediation the Alpha quadrant situation
Undergoes deterioration and I have to leave the station
Where we're visited by the dead like we were orbiting Solaris(2)
'Cause it's so swarming with Klingons it would stun Mr. Baris(3)
And in one instant I see the futility of resistance(4)
And I'm left watching DS9 diminish in the distance
*     *     *
Once the Klingons claim the station by the right of artillery
I'm sure that we'll get over it, as Norgay said to Hillary(5)
And when I finally feel that I've put the past behind
Dad shows up behind the sofa and it come crashing back to mind
Then he's gone again, but the afterimage lingers
And the more I tighten my grip the more he slips between my fingers(6)
*     *     *
So now I'm dropping english and picking up some science(7)
Call in some favors to the crew and see if the Defiant's
Up to stopping dad slipping in and out of this phenomenon(8)
Moving back and forth in time like an electron and a positron
I figured out we're tied together in a chrono-synclastic infundibulum(9)
And sometimes that elastic snaps back toward equilibrium
Periodically like Halley's comet, reconverging like the Twain(10,11)
And I've figured out when from subspace he's emerging once again
*     *     *
We're reunited in supspace as father and son,
But dad seems upset with everthing that I've done
He thinks something stinks about my change of profession
Like a dikironium cloud that reeks of Captain Kirk's "Obsession"(12,13)
Cared for what I lost more than the joy a wife could bring
Says if I ain't a got Korena, life don't mean a thing(14)
*     *     *
One last time for everything, glad I had the opportunity
To tell one last story, now that I have you with me
Come tromping through the bayou in the middle of the night
Try to crack the riddle of how little I did write.
She's leavin' and I'm grieven over ties I have to sever
Wait until it's at its tightest, and then I cut the tether

*     *     *
I can spare those years of pain from a kid already lost his mom
I'm gone like tears in the rain(15) and dad comes home like Major Tom(16)
'Cause I didn't only do it for the sake of my dear dad
But also for the Jake I was to live the life I never had

  1. A reference to the first sentence of the second chapter in Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five
  2. In Stanislaw Lem's Solaris, (and the 1972 Andrei Tarkovsky film of the same name) an astronaut on a station orbiting the planet Solaris is contact by an alien intelligence in the form of his dead wife.
  3. In "The Trouble With Tribbles", Nilz Baris of Station K-7 complains to Kirk that his station is "swarming with Klingons"
  4. A reference to the Borg's repeated line, "Resistance is futile"
  5. Tenzing Norgay and Sir Edmund Hillary were the first two people to summit Mount Everest.
  6. A reference to Star Wars: A New Hope, where Princess Leia tells Governor Tarkin, "The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.
  7. In N.W.A.'s "Express Yourself", Dr. Dre raps, "Some drop science, but I'm dropping english"
  8. A reference to Liquid Liquid's "Cavern", most famous as the basis for Grandmaster Melle Mel's "White Lines (Don't Do It)"
  9. From Kurt Vonnegut's The Sirens of Titan, where Winston Niles Rumfoord encounters such a phenomena and has his wave function spread across the solar system. He appears and disappears at his old home much as Captain Sisko does.
  10. Mark Twain was born during and died immediately after a visit to earth by the comet. He makes mention of it when brought onboard the Enterprise-D in "Time's Arrow".
  11. A reference to Thomas Hardy's "The Convergence of the Twain"
  12. In the TOS episode "Obsession", Kirk tries to destroy an energy cloud (characterized by a 'sickly sweet' smell) that killed his crewmates on the U.S.S. Farragut twelve years prior.
  13. A reference to the fragrance Calvin Klein's Obsession
  14. From Bob Dylan's "Corrina, Corrina"
  15. A reference to Roy Batty's final speech in Blade Runner before he dies
  16. Character from David Bowie's "Space Oddity" and Peter Schilling's later sequel-song "Major Tom (Coming Home)"

Monday, December 17, 2012

The Way of the Warrior

Originally Appeared Here

You know I get stuck when I try to ad lib this
Paint myself into a corner between Scylla and Charybdis(1)
That's right, I'm talking about a place and a hard rock
Or the space between Cardassia and that General Martok
While the crew is on alert running drills on the station
Trying to prepare for any Changeling infiltration
The Klingons show up and uncloak their armada
That was lurking in the darkness like the Vashta Nerada(2)
They say that they're there to protect the order in the sector
But something about it sets of dad's bullshit detector
So he gets Worf to use bloodwine as liquid persuasion
And uncovers the plan for a massive invasion
It's too late to stop 'em, it's already begun
Defiant rescues the Detapa(3) and now dad's on the run
Makes it back to the station racing like a Corvette
Gowron gives up the fight, but he won't forgive or forget.

  1. Idiom from Greek mythology, involving the two sea monsters on either side of the Strait of Messina
  2. Flesh-eating carnivores from Doctor Who that exist in microscopic swarms hiding in shadows.
  3. Cardassian governing body which had just overthrown the military Central Command.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


Originally Appeared Here

Now it's time to move aside, for a bona fide microphone rocker
Never off-key, tell Tarkovsky, O'Brien's in the zone like Stalker(1)
Throwing darts that hit the mark, my boy has got the golden shoulder
While Kira's in her quarters with a spark meant for a votive in a holder
When my dad gives Nerys the news, that there's a new First Minister
And worse yet it's Winn, you know she's up to something sinister
It's about a bunch of reclamators, Kai says Shakaar has stole 'em
And if Kira doesn't sort it out then she'll send Lenaris Holem
But they talk to the colonel about when their enemies were foreign
Instead of all internal, just Bajoran on Bajoran
So they reach an agreement and return to Winn Adami
Say Shakaar will be in charge and she folds like origami.

  1. 1979 film from Andrei Tarkovsky, about a mysterious and dangerous site known as the Zone.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Family Business

Originally Appeared Here

When I come back to the quarters and smell the paprika
I know dad's in a good mood and that's when I say eureka
'Cause I know he's a catch but he hasn't had many dates
So I maybe I can hook him up with Captain Kasidy Yates
While Quark gets hit like a stun from a phaser
When his bar receives a visit from Brunt the appraiser
And says his mom's been dealing beetles like Monopoly properties
But a female making profit goes against their popular hypotheses
She won't back down and she stands in defiance
Says they need a new society in the Ferengi Alliance
She thinks the way they get offended by ladies who speak
Stinks like a second-hand stillsuit from Paul Atreides' Boutique(1)
Rom gets his mom to relent, but after Quark leaves,
She admits she put on a shirt so she could hide some up her sleeves
Meantime I'm making matches like Metrons with the Gorn and Kirk(2)
Call me crazy, but I think it might work
when he and Kasidy catch the ball game over on Cestus III(3)
I gotta say it looks like a success to me.

  1. A reference to both Paul Atreides of the Dune series, and the Beastie Boys' 1989 album Paul's Boutique.
  2. Aliens who forced Kirk and the Gorn captain together to settle their differences in the episode "Arena"
  3. Federation colony where Kasidy's brother plays baseball, attacked by the Gorn in the aforementioned episode "Arena".

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


Originally Appeared Here

Dad's coming back from Bajor with a beard and a plan
Take a light ship to Cardassia just to prove that he can
So we set sail for adventure, just father and son
Quarters are cramped  but it don't bother us none
Three nights and days, we sail the space(1)
Without any warp, going at a snail's pace
So I show my dad some stories, he says they have potential
But if I want it to be real, more experience is essential
For now I hit the hammock, 'cause it's time that I was crashin'
Dreaming of some yamok sauce(2) to flavor up these rations
Suddenly we're swept up by a tachyon eddy
Starts tearing our sails while we try to hold steady
Dukat's on the line, says they just found the scene
Of feet in ancient time on Cardassia's mountains green(3).

  1. From "Louie, Louie", one of Miles O'Brien's favorite sea shanties.
  2. Cardassian condiment first mentioned in "Progress"
  3. A reference to the William Blake poem, "And did those feet in ancient time", which became the lyrics to the anthem "Jerusalem" sung by Bashir and O'Brien in the episode.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


Originally Appeared Here

There's a cleric waiting outside of the ops office, he
Has got an urgent need to tell my pops of a prophecy
About three vipers comin' home to their nest in the sky
But dad thinks his request would best be handled by the Kai
Won't get wrapped up in religion like Picard on Mintaka(1)
Though it's a part he has to play, it's his mask of Masaka(2)
So he works with Cardassia on a joint operation
To set up a relay for cross-quadrant communication
They find when they scanned that sword made of stars
Left a silithium strand to keep the wormhole ajar
Yarka says the prophets had this planned the whole time,
So now the other quadrant can hear me beaming out my rhymes.

  1. In TNG's "Who Watches the Watchers?" Captain Picard is mistaken for a deity by the people of Mintaka III.
  2. In "Masks", an alien probe forces Data and Picard to act out an ancient mythological story.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Life Support

Originally Appeared Here

Making plans with Leanne, she's my cute little vixen
While Winn's making inroads to Cardassia like China and Nixon(1)
She suspects her ships been sabotaged and calls for a medic
Stimulating his synapses and revivin' the Vedek
There's hope for recovery, though it's too early to tell
Still in no condition to negotiate with Legate Turrel
They're overridden by Winn, his old rival who wants
Bariel to advise her on legalism and nuance
While I'm double-dating with Nog, and my boy's being rude
Last straw's when he asks his girl to cut up his food
Got a disrespect for women that his uncle and Rom taught
I'd have seen better manners if we had stuck with the Dom Jot
And spent the evening with Naussicans who stab through the heart(2)
But you know I couldn't fall in love with an artificial part
Like the Vedek on vasokin, Bashir as his modern Prometheus(3)
Replace him bit by bit like he was the U.S.S. Theseus(4)
Winn doesn't give a damn once she's satisfied her vanity
Let him die with dignity while he's got a shred of humanity

  1. Much as Commander Sisko says Winn is the last person he expected to make a peace effort with Cardassia, the ardently anti-communist Richard Nixon surprised many by improving relations with China. It was later quoted as a Vulcan proverb by Spock in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.
  2. A reference to events in Picard's youth shown in "Tapestry"
  3. "The Modern Prometheus" is the alternate title to Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
  4. Refers to the paradox of the ship of Theseus, which has over its lifetime, had every single board replaced, yet is still considered the same ship.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


Originally Appeared Here

I don't want to trouble my dad, he's already got his plate full
But I'm worried that I don't have a lot of reason to be grateful
Mardah's off to study entymology, away on Regulus III
And maybe when she's in college, she won't remember me
Pen my troubles to paper and set them on fire for renewal
Vaporize them like a phaser and maybe just a few will
Reach the prophets and I'll find a new love with a quickness
Cause now the crew's running 'round like horny teens with a polywater sickness(1)
Something's up with Mrs. Troi while we're wishing "Peldor joi"(2)
Makes for a raucous party that impresses Keldar's boy(3)
Dad's cracked the case and pins the blame on the ambassador
Explains to the major that must be why I made a pass at her
What we've experienced was a projection of affection
Intended to be aimed in the constable's direction
A combination of Zanthi fever and the depth of her emotion
Can't have Odo leave her lonesome just like Darmok on the ocean.(4)

  1. Sickness from the TOS episode "The Naked Time" which reduced the crew's inhibitions.
  2. Traditionally greeting during the Bajoran Gratitude Festival.
  3. Refers to Quark, son of Keldar.
  4. Tamarian metaphor for isolation and loneliness, describing Darmok before he landed on the island and met his friend Jalad.

Civil Defense

Originally Appeared Here

Converting ore processing to a deuterium refinery
When O'Brien sets it off in the depths of the binary
Subroutines that run things on the station
A security system becomes a sticky situation
Comm comes on, "Bajoran workers, please, your attention 
Lay down your arms and cease all your dissension"
Dad stands up as the real leader of the revolt
The computer doesn't buy it and it's time for us to bolt
When all our efforts escalate the counter-insurgency
A small snafu has turned into an emergency
When a disruptor appears and a crewman is shot
Never thought they'd be happy to see Gul Dukat
He says he'll help if he can place a garrison
A rock and a hard place would be the best comparison
But Gul Dukat gets caught when he tries to leave this place
And he has to stay and contemplate the depths of his disgrace
Dad can't get to Ops, we're all stopped by force fields
But he's still close enough to channel the reaction to the shields.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Abandoned

Originally Appeared Here

Gambler says to let it ride and then he gives a whirl
Forgot the first rule of Dabo- watch the wheel, not the girl
You know that I'm in love with my Dabo wheel spinner
But I'm still unprepared to bring her home for dinner
You see, I'm worried that my dad just can't be impartial
More of a Cardassian trial(1) than a fair court martial
'Cause it seems like his judgement's been passed in advance
Made up his mind about Mardah before she ever had a chance
But she explains about my skills and my knack for an end rhyme
While the doctor and the chief are hunting for an enzyme
They say this drug dependency is a cold blooded thing to do
Even to an enemy soldier they want to analyze like Hugh(2)
So the Jem'hadar's discharged to the custody of the Constable
As the one the boy will listen to Odo has to be responsible
But there's nothing he can do, it's in his blood to fight
All that's left for Odo is tell the major she was right.
  1. As established in "Tribunal", the verdict of all Cardassian trials is decided before they begin, and the verdict is always guilty.
  2. Borg youth recovered by the Enterprise-D crew in "I, Borg". Picard debated the ethics of using a sentient being as a weapon, even against their most powerful enemies.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The House of Quark

Originally Appeared Here

Sorry 'bout last week, didn't mean to procrastinate
But y'all understand that sometimes rappin' has to wait
'Cause dad took his officers, and even roped in Odo
Left me behind to run this 'hood like I was Robert DeSoto(1)
Now they come back through the wormhole with news of the Founders
Everyone feels unsafe and the businesses all flounder
Quark's clientele picks up when he tells a tall tale
That's all exaggeration, like Li Nalas and Zarael(2)
He's taken by Grilka and Tumek(3)- I think I met that guy before-
To come with them to Qo'noS and help them beat D'Ghor
Quark uncovers the brother's scheme, it's one without honor
D'Ghor responds with a challenge, and Quark's sure he's a goner.
But when he'd kill an unarmed coward, Gowron is shocked
D'Ghor's cast out of the Council as a dishonorable petaQ(4)
Quark's counting latinum in the bar, back to his old habits
Recounts the story for Rom just like Lenny and the rabbits(5).

  1. Captain of the Hood, and former commanding officer of Will Riker
  2. Bajoran resistance leader Li Nalas's reputation grew based on the story of him defeating Gul Zarale in hand-to-hand combat. Nalas later confessed he simply shot the unarmed Zarale in his underwear.
  3. A reference to Jake's previous rap battle against Tumak.
  4. Klingon curse word
  5. The character Lennie in Of Mice and Men is sustained by his friend George's stories of a future where  he lives off the fat of the land and tends rabbits.

The Jem'Hadar

Originally Appeared Here
Headin' through the wormhole to survey like Richard Dawson(1)
For a routine mission, shoulda exercised some caution-
Dad's readings of life signs turn out to be specious
When the camp is broken up by some chick's telekinesis
The three of them are captured by the Jem'hadar
Who know all about 'em, they've been watching from afar.
Back on the station, they rally 'round the Odyssey
But Captain Keogh's arrogant, got no time for modesty
The ships show up and carry out the rescue
They beat a retreat when an enemy gets through
Their defenses for a kamikaze run
Forget the Captain 'cause he's done
Quark confronts my pop, tells him the captive's shackle was a fake
And then that's where we stop, you'll have to wait 'til Fall to hear from Jake.

  1. Original host of the game show Family Feud, where contestants are quizzed on survey results.

Saturday, October 6, 2012


Originally Appeared Here

You know I flow like a river, just like the Rio Grande(1)
Coming back through the wormhole, but it doesn't go as planned.
Kira and Bashir cross over to an alternate reality
Of dubious morality, Terrans treated with brutality
And the Intendant's the one who cows them all to submission
So in love with herself this must've been her lifelong ambition(2)
As she explains to herself what the Terrans did to the Bajorans
Pushed her over the edge, like the Borg with Dr. Soran(3)
Not like Soren's not sure if she's a boy or a girl(4)
But like Soran become Death, the destroyer of worlds(5)
And baby, I got verses like arms on Shiva(6)
Got jams so def that the people call me Riva(7)

Maybe he could come to the station for a little mediation
'Cause all the different players have their own motivation 
Garak expresses to the Major that he's got his own agenda
Make a swap at the top like The Prisoner of Zenda(8)
But while they're convening in Quarks for a night of entertainment
There's a diversion in the mines, busted thorium containment
No one wastes a second to make the most of the distraction
Attack back at the Alliance, humans springing into action.
Infecting humans with hope, the Doctor's caused an epidemic
Odo tries to stop him, gets his head blown up like Remmick(9)
Gotta make a run through the wormhole, even if it's hazardous
Or else they're lost forever, just like asking "What of Lazarus?"(10)

  1. All the runabouts on Deep Space Nine are named after Earth rivers.
  2. From The Undiscovered Country, after Kirk is incredulous that he kissed the shapeshifter which has now assumed his form.
  3. Villain of Star Trek: Generations, who claims to he wouldn't have hurt a fly before the Borg killed his entire family.
  4. From TNG's "The Outcast", about androgynous J'naii. Also a reference to David Bowie's "Rebel, Rebel".
  5. Line from the Bhagavad Gita, famously quoted by Robert Oppenheimer on the occasion of the first atomic bomb test.
  6. Multi-armed Hindu deity, serving as the Destroyer or Transformer among the Trimurti.
  7. Deaf mediator from TNG's "Loud as a Whisper"
  8. Classic adventure novel, where a monarch is replaced by an identical tourist, to avoid revealing the true king has been kidnapped.
  9. Starfleet commander who served as a host for the alien insect queen in "Conspiracy", and suffered perhaps the goriest death in Star Trek history.
  10. From the closing of TOS's "The Alternative Factor", where a scientist Lazarus and his insane alternate universe double are left locked in an eternal struggle.

Blood Oath

You know we got Kang, we got Koloth and Kor
Three bad-ass Klingons and they're headed to war
Kor's starting a ruckus and spends the night in jail
Koloth shows up in the office to pay his buddy's bail
Pops out of thin air and his appearance is brutal
Got a stache like Fu Manchu(1) and a haircut like a poodle
Looks with derision on the drunk in the prison
Won't even listen when Jadzia wants to got with 'em

That's right, we got Kor, we got Koloth, and Kang
Don't want this sexy new Dax to join in their gang
On their quest for vengenace to kill the albino,
She's in better shape than all of them, but what the hell do I know?
But they see her swing a bat'leth and it starts to give them pause
They think the new host could still bring honor to their cause
To fight a child-killer who used a virus and genetics
Instead of fight them man to man, he's really that pathetic

So now it's Kang and Kor and Koloth and Dax
In orbit of the planet when Kang spills the facts
It wasn't a plan for battle, it was a plan for suicide.
Klingons are the ones in the Kobayashi Maru(2) this time.
Koloth tells him this trap is what you get when you deal with the devil
Should never have believed this guy would play on the level
They can trust him to fight fair 'cause he's always been a coward
But now they're bustin' in his lair and his guns have been de-powered
Kick down his door, "Look upon your executioners!"
They're about to rip your heart out and send you straight to Lucifer
Or the gates of Gre'thor and the face of Fek'lhr(3)
Not Three Musketeers, but three masters of Dahar.

  1. A style of mustache extending below the lips and on either side of the chin.
  2. Starfleet Academy simulation exercise involving a rescue on the Klingon-Federation border, famous for being impossible to win.
  3. Klingon equivalent of Hell, and the monster who guards its entrance, respectively.

Friday, October 5, 2012


Originally Appeared Here
Back with feats of linguistic legerdemain, and a degree of intrepidity(1)
The beat sticks in your brain and the words have a fluidity
While I fire off lyrical missiles as limitless as Voyager's torpedos(2)
Pop copes with disproportionate punishments like the Justice of the Edo(3)
Like when Alixus sticks him in the box like he was Alec Guiness(4)
Just because O'Brien had tried to hail their pinnace(5)
So he could the medicine and the sick girl could be healed,
Only to be stymied by the duonetic field.
Which wasn't from astatine, Alixus makes no apology
She crashed here on purpose to get away from technology
But Miles outwits her and rescues my dad,
'Cause homeboy's got skills that he never knew he had.

  1. Quote from Spock in The Undiscovered Country when Uhura attempts to bluff her way past the Klingon border patrol.
  2. Despite being stranded in the Delta Quadrant with only 38 photon torpedoes in the pilot episode, the U.S.S. Voyager never appeared to run low on armaments.
  3. From TNG's "Justice", where even minor infractions are met with the death penalty if they occur inside of a designated "punishment zone".
  4. In The Bridge On the River Kwai, Alec Guiness's character is punished in much the same manner as Commander Sisko.
  5. A small vessel used as a tender, in this case referring to the runabout.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Rap Battle: Epilogue

Originally Appeared Here
It was a battle well fought, give my props to Tumak
And remember the words of the poet G'trok(1)
And "honor the valiant who die 'neath your sword"
'Cause they're off to Sto-vo-Kor(2) to get their reward
It's only geniality once we reach the battle's end
In a different reality, I could have called you... "Friend"(3)

  1. Klingon poet who wrote The Fall of Kang.
  2. Klingon afterlife for the honored dead
  3. Last words of the Romulan commander in "Balance of Terror"

Rap Battle: Round Two-Four

Originally Appeared Here

I ain't ripping off flow or diverting a river,
Ask Varis about it the next time you're with her.(1)
If she can get past the fact that you stink like a skunk
You can teach her entymology when you pull out your junk(2).
You call me Balok, but you put up a false front(3)
I swing for the fences while you lay down a bunt,
Like Rom, trying to manufacture a victory(4)
You're tossin' out names but none of them stick to me
Cause like a poor marksman you keep missing the target(5)
The only mush you recognize is Lord Kruge's targ's shit(6).
Come to my quadrant, I don't care how far your hail from
I'll hunt your ass down 'round the Antares Maelstrom(7).

  1. The Paqu village lead by Varis Sul gained a significant tract of land when the Glyrhond River was diverted, literally ripping off the flow from the neighboring Navot village.
  2. Jake has been tutoring his girlfriend, the Dabo girl Mardah, in entymology
  3. A child-sized alien from "The Corbomite Maneuver" who initially used an intimidating puppet to communicate with the Enterprise crew.
  4. In "Take Me Out To the Holosuite", Rom (inadvertently) bunts in the Niners' only run.
  5. Accusation from Kirk to Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when Khan's attempt to kill Kirk with the Ceti-eel controlled Chekov and Terrell results in Terrell's death instead of Kirk's.
  6. Targ-owning villain of Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
  7. In Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Khan vows to hunt Kirk all the way around this astronomical body.

Rap Battle: Round Two-Three

Originally Appeared Here
Varon T Distruption? More like Starfleet Judo
You got more duds than Tiberius has got Green Hoes(1)
Yeah I'll be in sickbay to pay my last respects
to the corpse of a brother who didn't know how to genuflect

What's up Doc? Better call you Bones(2)
because that's all that'll be left when I'm done with you Holmes
You'll be unrecognizable mush, a real horror
Such a specimen only fit for Dr. Mora(3)

And as for Melora? Man, she was just a floater(4)
Just blew away when I tried to motor-boat her
Which is more than you can say for Varis Sul(5)
Lost that one to your Ferengi ghoul

but I'll drop her a line when I see her on Kentanna(6)
I said I'd bring you along but she said she didn't wanna
see you again just like the First Federation(7)
cuz like Balok, you're just a source of aggravation

How I like you now? More like Kool and the Gang(8)
You want to Get Down On It but you can't even hang
Gotta rip off my flow like a common Juggalo(9)
Like the Warp 5 Enterprise you just too slow(10)

  1. A common stereotype of Kirk's romantic conquests as green-skinned aliens, it was actually Captain Pike who met the green-skinned Orion slave girl Vina in "The Cage". Kirk did have a romantic involvement with green-skinned fellow cadet Gaila in the 2009 film.
  2. Nickname for Dr. McCoy on the original series.
  3. Mora Pol was the scientist assigned to study Odo, when he was not known to be anything more than a puddle of viscous goo.
  4. Melora's home planet is notable for its low gravity.
  5. In "The Storyteller", the visiting Bajorn Varis Sul has a crush on Jake's Ferengi best friend.
  6. Mythical paradise for which Tumak's fellow Skrreeans are searching
  7. Organization to which the alien Balok belonged in "The Corbomite Maneuver"
  8. Soul and funk group originating in the 1960's
  9. Fan of the hip-hop duo the Insane Clown Posse, the self-proclaimed "Most hated band in America".
  10. Eponymous starship from the prequel TV series Enterprise, possessing a top speed much less than the ships that would later bear the name.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Rap Battle: Round Two-Two

Originally Appeared Here
Yeah, I'm Kivas Fajo, with some Varon T disruption(1).
If you try and mess with me I can guarantee destruction.
I can smell you comin' cause you're still covered in stink spray(2)
Wreck yo so hard that you end up in sick bay
'Cause all of your rhymes are dull and repetitive 
Bashir wants to extract some to use as a sedative.
I'm the real McCoy, you're not even Dr. Piper(3)
And I was bustin' rhymes back when you were still in diapers(4).
They call you Tumak cause you're so easy to mock
Best protect your neck when I attack like Spock(5)
Tried to score with Melora-
she said you're worse than half-dead rakht(6).
Your plasma coil's busted and you had better watch your back
Or it will blow up in your face when you try for an attack(7)
They'll find you at Qualor II in the junkyard like T'Pau(8)
I'm stylin' free like Kool Moe Dee, so How You Like Me Now(9)?

  1. Extremely rare and extremely viscious hand-held weapon. Only five were produced, four of which were reportedly owned by Fajo.
  2. In the episode "Sanctuary", Jake's friend Nog plays a prank and douses Tumak with stink spray
  3. Mark Piper was the chief medical officer on the Enterprise in "Where No Man Has Gone Before", after which he was replaced by Dr. McCoy.
  4. Scotty boasted in the episode "Relics" to have been driving starships when Geordi's great-grandfather was still in diapers. Captain Kirk made a similar claim in Generations.
  5. A reference to Spock's famous Vulcan nerve pinch.
  6. Dish served at the Klingon restaurant on Deep Space Nine. According to Melora Pazlar, there is nothing worse than half-dead rakht.
  7. Tumak is killed in the episode's climax when his attempt to fire the weapons on a stolen vessel overloads its plasma coil.
  8. Vulcan starship stolen by Romulans in TNG's "Unification". The theft was uncovered when parts from the ship were found among the wreckage of a Ferengi cargo ship.
  9. The second album from rapper Kool Moe Dee, which continued his long-running feud with LL Cool J.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Rap Battle: Round Two-One

Originally Appeared Here
Chump had a week to prepare, ain't got nothing to show?
Man you got less toys than Kivas Fajo(1)
Rollin' in the Rio Grande(2) you better let Nog drive
because if you ride like you rhyme you won't get out alive

Speakin of Big Ears(3), he's the Kenan to your Kel(4)
You started out together but he's the one on SNL
He got the keys to the Defiant(5), and you had to take a hike
and now you rollin' slower than Captain Pike(6)

and you doubt my prowess? I'm the original stud
Rachel Garett, Janice Rand, even Ashley Judd(7)
All the ladies dig my moves, ain't got no time for solace
got more face-time here than Darien Wallace(8)

and to all the haters who think we're one in the same
You're like Chubb Rock, Insane in the Brain(9)
This buster's just a copy, the Enemy Within(10)
Gonna vanish faster than Tubby George Primmin(11)

and where will you go? I'll give you a clue
thumb a ride from your pops down to Qualor II(12)
for the has-been crowd, it's the favorite port of call
So better bone up your chops on 'Melor Famagal'(13)

  1. Zibalian trader, who in fact has the most toys, implying everyone must have less toys than him,
  2. Runabout docked at DS9
  3. Tumak's nickname for Nog, used in the episode
  4. Former teen comedy show starring the eponymous duo.
  5. Nog later entered Starfleet and became the helmsman of the Defiant.
  6. Captain of the Enterprise before Kirk, confined to a wheelchair after a training accident
  7. Captain of the Enterprise-C, yeoman on the original Enterprise, and the actress who played Wesley Crusher's girlfriend Robin Lefler, respectively
  8. Enterprise-D officer who appeared in over sixty episodes but only had one line.
  9. Rapper Chubb Rock was the target of Cypress Hill's diss track "Insane in the Brain"
  10. Original Series episode where Captain Kirk is duplicated (in good and evil versions) by a transporter accident.
  11. Security officer temporarily assigned to DS9. His character was inserted largely because Colm Meaney, who portrayed O'Brien, was unavailable for some episodes.
  12. Planet orbited by a Salvage yard visited by the Enterprise-D while investigating the debris of the T'Pau in the episode "Unification"
  13. Favorite musical composition of a Ferengi trader who visited that same salvage yard.

Rap Battle: Round One-Five

Originally Appeared Here
Rebuttle accepted, Rappin' Jake
Then we'll see who's the real fake
My gammas and your alphas? it's about to get rude
the first ever interquadrant turf feud

and as for my words setting for stun?
Son you forget this is just Round 1!
Like Kirk I always make sure to hail before,
Layin' down General Order 24(1).

So hope you and yours are ready to rumble
because next week you gonna feel humble
I'm gonna make you disappear the next time we spar
like Emperor Jim(2) with a bottle of Kanar

  1. A rarely-issued order to destroy all life on a planet, given (but not carried out) by Captain Kirk in "A Taste of Armageddon"
  2. Regular AV Club commenter and Cardassian drink enthusiast

Rap Battle: Round One-Four

Originally Appeared Here

Please allow me to offer a rebuttal,
My science is so tight I'm the name of a shuttle(1)
In a future without money, somehow you're still broke
I'm not saying that it's funny, but it seems like a joke.
Your lyrics are weak, you're only setting for stun,
You're on the losing side like in "Spectre of the Gun"(2)
Try to make a comparison to Senator Vreenak(3),
Tell Jake he's a fake, son, how 'bout a rematch?
We'll meet back in a week and do this up right,
If you think you can dance with the Devil In the Pale Moonlight.

  1. Shuttlecraft on starships have been traditionally named after scientists- Galileo, Hawking, Feynman, etc.
  2. Original Series episode were Kirk and company are forced to re-enact the gunfight at the O.K. Corral as the losing side.
  3. The Romulan senator previously alluded to by Tumak.

Rap Battle: Round One-Three

Originally Appeared Here
I see Rap Battle Protocol ain't neccessary
for the two-baggin son of the Emissary(1)
but I don't need Onaya(2) strokin' my head
to lay down the rhymes and knock you dead

I'm slick like Armus(3) so you made a mistake
if you get in my grill and call me a flake
You're the FAAAKE(4) and I'm the new deal
That'll even make your pops say that IT'S REAAL(5)

If I'm breakfast for Picard than your moms was lunch
Deep fried at Wolf for a satisfying crunch(6)
Probably for the best she didn't get assimilated
because after leaving my crib she probably wouldn't have waited

to hang with your dad, wait, wasn't he fired?
Couldn't make it last after Spenser: For Hire(7)
had to hang with his manpiece alone in a sock
leaves him plenty of time to make A CLOCK(8)

but what of you, like father like son?
like your novel Anselm you just couldn't get it done(9)
the ladies of the Promonade are missing their Whoa
need a new MC to make 'em say "Dabo!"

  1. The first epsiode established Jake's father as the Emissary, a spiritual leader of the Bajoran people
  2. Non-corporeal alien that fed off of Jake's creative energies in The Muse
  3. An alien entity resembling an oil slick that killed Tasha Yar
  4. Line famously uttered by Senator Vreenak upon uncovering the elder Sisko's deception in the episode "In the Pale Moonlight".
  5. Benny Russel's repeated claim about his science fiction story (about DS9) from the episode Far Beyond the Stars
  6. The pilot episode included a flashback to Jake's mother's death at the Battle of Wolf 359
  7. Avery Brooks' television series before Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
  8. The object of Commander Sisko's obsession when possessed by an alien energy sphere in "Dramatis Personae"
  9. Jake Sisko's debut novel, shown completed in the alternate timeline of "The Visitor"

Monday, July 30, 2012

Rap Battle: Round One-Two

Originally Appeared Here
Fool, I'm cutting up rappers like Garak with textiles(1).
I'm on my home turf, don't waste time with you exiles.
Ask your sister or your lover, I'm the one they all want,
Rhymes as rich as butter when you're flakin' out like a croissant(2)
On the table of Captain Picard, having Something for Breakfast(3)
I get up in your grill and tick you off like a checklist.
Ain't you ever ask yourself why your people were displaced?
It's because no one in the galaxy can stand to see your face.
You're covered with more pimples than Wesley Crusher's ass,
Cry to mama when you see yourself in a glass
Or a scanner, darkly(4).
Why you think your holographic girlfriend is two-timin' with Barclay(5)?

  1. Elim Garak works as a tailor on Deep Space Nine.
  2. T'Rogorans are known for leaving flakes of skin wherever they go.
  3. Title of a play written by Beverly Crusher on TNG, may or may not be about a red-haired doctor and a bald French captain who frequently share breakfast.
  4. Novel by Philip K. Dick, titled in reference to a phrase from 1 Corinthians 13:12 - "For now we see through a glass, darkly."
  5. Enterprise-D crew member who was addicted to the holodeck in the episode "Hollow Pursuits".

Rap Battle: Round One-One

Rappin Jake S, we meet at last
No man has gone before but I had to make a pass
I've observed your flow but I must admit
Your words got rhythm but yo presence ain't shit

but please allow me to be introduced
because I can't expect to be so easily deduced

so who am I, with the words so entwined?
Mike Seaver called me Boner(1), but I Left him Behind(2)
I'm tha starchild legacy you should always know
cuz my pops rocked the phasers on the original show(3)

I got moves like Kolrami(4) and the knowledge of the Q
so when I roll into your station with my Gamma Quad crew
I'll diagnose like McCoy and lay the logic like Spock
ladies call me Andy, but you can call me 2mak

I'm searchin' for Kentanna but you're in my way(5)
and all I ever wanted was Bajoran play
they're ribbed for my pleasure I think you know what I mean
but thanks to your Ferenghi(6) now we've got a scene

So you gon' match rhymes or are you from Mizar II(7)?
My words are weapons grade trilithium(8) to a chump like you
I got the mastery of language and the upper hand
like the Sheliak Corporate in Ensigns of Command(9)

So I hope you're feeling ready, feeling at your peak
cuz it's all going down on the boards next week
Do your worst, but you gonna catch Hell
like a city named Shaka when the walls fell(10)
  1. Andrew Koenig, who portrays Tumak, previously played the character "Boner" on the show Growing Pains.
  2. Koenig's Growing Pains co-star Kirk Cameron later starred in the film adaptation of the popular Christian book series Left Behind.
  3. Andrew Koenig's father played Pavel Chekov on the orignal Star Trek series.
  4. Sirna Kolrami, from the TNG episode "Peak Performance", was a grandmaster of the game Strategema
  5. Prophesied paradise of the T'Rogorans in "Sanctuary".
  6. Jake's friend Nog provoked a fight with Tumak in that same episode.
  7. Planet of pacifist aliens, first encountered in TNG's "Allegiance".
  8. Powerful explosive, used in Soran's star-destroying weapon in Star Trek: Generations.
  9. Alien race who forced human settlers off of a colony .
  10. Tamarian metaphor for failure or defeat.