Monday, July 30, 2012

Rap Battle: Round One-Two

Originally Appeared Here
Fool, I'm cutting up rappers like Garak with textiles(1).
I'm on my home turf, don't waste time with you exiles.
Ask your sister or your lover, I'm the one they all want,
Rhymes as rich as butter when you're flakin' out like a croissant(2)
On the table of Captain Picard, having Something for Breakfast(3)
I get up in your grill and tick you off like a checklist.
Ain't you ever ask yourself why your people were displaced?
It's because no one in the galaxy can stand to see your face.
You're covered with more pimples than Wesley Crusher's ass,
Cry to mama when you see yourself in a glass
Or a scanner, darkly(4).
Why you think your holographic girlfriend is two-timin' with Barclay(5)?

  1. Elim Garak works as a tailor on Deep Space Nine.
  2. T'Rogorans are known for leaving flakes of skin wherever they go.
  3. Title of a play written by Beverly Crusher on TNG, may or may not be about a red-haired doctor and a bald French captain who frequently share breakfast.
  4. Novel by Philip K. Dick, titled in reference to a phrase from 1 Corinthians 13:12 - "For now we see through a glass, darkly."
  5. Enterprise-D crew member who was addicted to the holodeck in the episode "Hollow Pursuits".

Rap Battle: Round One-One

Rappin Jake S, we meet at last
No man has gone before but I had to make a pass
I've observed your flow but I must admit
Your words got rhythm but yo presence ain't shit

but please allow me to be introduced
because I can't expect to be so easily deduced

so who am I, with the words so entwined?
Mike Seaver called me Boner(1), but I Left him Behind(2)
I'm tha starchild legacy you should always know
cuz my pops rocked the phasers on the original show(3)

I got moves like Kolrami(4) and the knowledge of the Q
so when I roll into your station with my Gamma Quad crew
I'll diagnose like McCoy and lay the logic like Spock
ladies call me Andy, but you can call me 2mak

I'm searchin' for Kentanna but you're in my way(5)
and all I ever wanted was Bajoran play
they're ribbed for my pleasure I think you know what I mean
but thanks to your Ferenghi(6) now we've got a scene

So you gon' match rhymes or are you from Mizar II(7)?
My words are weapons grade trilithium(8) to a chump like you
I got the mastery of language and the upper hand
like the Sheliak Corporate in Ensigns of Command(9)

So I hope you're feeling ready, feeling at your peak
cuz it's all going down on the boards next week
Do your worst, but you gonna catch Hell
like a city named Shaka when the walls fell(10)
  1. Andrew Koenig, who portrays Tumak, previously played the character "Boner" on the show Growing Pains.
  2. Koenig's Growing Pains co-star Kirk Cameron later starred in the film adaptation of the popular Christian book series Left Behind.
  3. Andrew Koenig's father played Pavel Chekov on the orignal Star Trek series.
  4. Sirna Kolrami, from the TNG episode "Peak Performance", was a grandmaster of the game Strategema
  5. Prophesied paradise of the T'Rogorans in "Sanctuary".
  6. Jake's friend Nog provoked a fight with Tumak in that same episode.
  7. Planet of pacifist aliens, first encountered in TNG's "Allegiance".
  8. Powerful explosive, used in Soran's star-destroying weapon in Star Trek: Generations.
  9. Alien race who forced human settlers off of a colony .
  10. Tamarian metaphor for failure or defeat.