Sunday, September 23, 2012

Rap Battle: Epilogue

Originally Appeared Here
It was a battle well fought, give my props to Tumak
And remember the words of the poet G'trok(1)
And "honor the valiant who die 'neath your sword"
'Cause they're off to Sto-vo-Kor(2) to get their reward
It's only geniality once we reach the battle's end
In a different reality, I could have called you... "Friend"(3)

  1. Klingon poet who wrote The Fall of Kang.
  2. Klingon afterlife for the honored dead
  3. Last words of the Romulan commander in "Balance of Terror"

Rap Battle: Round Two-Four

Originally Appeared Here

I ain't ripping off flow or diverting a river,
Ask Varis about it the next time you're with her.(1)
If she can get past the fact that you stink like a skunk
You can teach her entymology when you pull out your junk(2).
You call me Balok, but you put up a false front(3)
I swing for the fences while you lay down a bunt,
Like Rom, trying to manufacture a victory(4)
You're tossin' out names but none of them stick to me
Cause like a poor marksman you keep missing the target(5)
The only mush you recognize is Lord Kruge's targ's shit(6).
Come to my quadrant, I don't care how far your hail from
I'll hunt your ass down 'round the Antares Maelstrom(7).

  1. The Paqu village lead by Varis Sul gained a significant tract of land when the Glyrhond River was diverted, literally ripping off the flow from the neighboring Navot village.
  2. Jake has been tutoring his girlfriend, the Dabo girl Mardah, in entymology
  3. A child-sized alien from "The Corbomite Maneuver" who initially used an intimidating puppet to communicate with the Enterprise crew.
  4. In "Take Me Out To the Holosuite", Rom (inadvertently) bunts in the Niners' only run.
  5. Accusation from Kirk to Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when Khan's attempt to kill Kirk with the Ceti-eel controlled Chekov and Terrell results in Terrell's death instead of Kirk's.
  6. Targ-owning villain of Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
  7. In Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Khan vows to hunt Kirk all the way around this astronomical body.

Rap Battle: Round Two-Three

Originally Appeared Here
Varon T Distruption? More like Starfleet Judo
You got more duds than Tiberius has got Green Hoes(1)
Yeah I'll be in sickbay to pay my last respects
to the corpse of a brother who didn't know how to genuflect

What's up Doc? Better call you Bones(2)
because that's all that'll be left when I'm done with you Holmes
You'll be unrecognizable mush, a real horror
Such a specimen only fit for Dr. Mora(3)

And as for Melora? Man, she was just a floater(4)
Just blew away when I tried to motor-boat her
Which is more than you can say for Varis Sul(5)
Lost that one to your Ferengi ghoul

but I'll drop her a line when I see her on Kentanna(6)
I said I'd bring you along but she said she didn't wanna
see you again just like the First Federation(7)
cuz like Balok, you're just a source of aggravation

How I like you now? More like Kool and the Gang(8)
You want to Get Down On It but you can't even hang
Gotta rip off my flow like a common Juggalo(9)
Like the Warp 5 Enterprise you just too slow(10)

  1. A common stereotype of Kirk's romantic conquests as green-skinned aliens, it was actually Captain Pike who met the green-skinned Orion slave girl Vina in "The Cage". Kirk did have a romantic involvement with green-skinned fellow cadet Gaila in the 2009 film.
  2. Nickname for Dr. McCoy on the original series.
  3. Mora Pol was the scientist assigned to study Odo, when he was not known to be anything more than a puddle of viscous goo.
  4. Melora's home planet is notable for its low gravity.
  5. In "The Storyteller", the visiting Bajorn Varis Sul has a crush on Jake's Ferengi best friend.
  6. Mythical paradise for which Tumak's fellow Skrreeans are searching
  7. Organization to which the alien Balok belonged in "The Corbomite Maneuver"
  8. Soul and funk group originating in the 1960's
  9. Fan of the hip-hop duo the Insane Clown Posse, the self-proclaimed "Most hated band in America".
  10. Eponymous starship from the prequel TV series Enterprise, possessing a top speed much less than the ships that would later bear the name.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Rap Battle: Round Two-Two

Originally Appeared Here
Yeah, I'm Kivas Fajo, with some Varon T disruption(1).
If you try and mess with me I can guarantee destruction.
I can smell you comin' cause you're still covered in stink spray(2)
Wreck yo so hard that you end up in sick bay
'Cause all of your rhymes are dull and repetitive 
Bashir wants to extract some to use as a sedative.
I'm the real McCoy, you're not even Dr. Piper(3)
And I was bustin' rhymes back when you were still in diapers(4).
They call you Tumak cause you're so easy to mock
Best protect your neck when I attack like Spock(5)
Tried to score with Melora-
she said you're worse than half-dead rakht(6).
Your plasma coil's busted and you had better watch your back
Or it will blow up in your face when you try for an attack(7)
They'll find you at Qualor II in the junkyard like T'Pau(8)
I'm stylin' free like Kool Moe Dee, so How You Like Me Now(9)?

  1. Extremely rare and extremely viscious hand-held weapon. Only five were produced, four of which were reportedly owned by Fajo.
  2. In the episode "Sanctuary", Jake's friend Nog plays a prank and douses Tumak with stink spray
  3. Mark Piper was the chief medical officer on the Enterprise in "Where No Man Has Gone Before", after which he was replaced by Dr. McCoy.
  4. Scotty boasted in the episode "Relics" to have been driving starships when Geordi's great-grandfather was still in diapers. Captain Kirk made a similar claim in Generations.
  5. A reference to Spock's famous Vulcan nerve pinch.
  6. Dish served at the Klingon restaurant on Deep Space Nine. According to Melora Pazlar, there is nothing worse than half-dead rakht.
  7. Tumak is killed in the episode's climax when his attempt to fire the weapons on a stolen vessel overloads its plasma coil.
  8. Vulcan starship stolen by Romulans in TNG's "Unification". The theft was uncovered when parts from the ship were found among the wreckage of a Ferengi cargo ship.
  9. The second album from rapper Kool Moe Dee, which continued his long-running feud with LL Cool J.