Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Our Man Bashir

Originally Appeared Here

He knocks a fella on his coccyx, puts him right into traction
He's out like Bela Oxymx lookin' for a Piece of the Action(1)
Got a '45 like Dirty Harry(2), but it's a magnum of champagne
Popping corks instead of caps, nails Mr. Falcon in the brain
It's Our Man Bashir with the Double-O Style(3)
With unwelcome help from a Cardassian exile
But the crew gets caught up in a transporter buffer
And put in place of the program, now the going gets tougher
No way to get victory over villains you can't kill,
Who view the world as vermin, just termites and anthills
Play the part of Nero's Narada(4), drilling down to the mantle
Rom will get them out soon, if Bashir can keep my dad rappin'
Explaining his plan about a balloon and something bad happens(5)
Bashir sees covering the continents is the only real course
Acts with no ego, no conscience, and no remorse
'Cause it's only a simulated  planet he's willing to concede
Noah thought his flood would be a dud, didn't expect to succeed

  1. Bela Okmyx was one of the mob bosses on Sigma Iotia II in "A Piece of the Action"
  2. Harry Callahan is known for using a .44 Magnum. His foe in the first Dirty Harry film is portrayed by Andrew Robinson.
  3. James Bond is classified as a "00 Agent"
  4. Nero, from the 2009 Star Trek film, used his mining ship Narada to drill into the crust on the planet Vulcan.
  5. From the Futurama episode "Where No Fan Has Gone Before", when Leela's Star Trek-inspired plan to defeat Melllvar goes wrong.

Monday, January 21, 2013

The Sword of Kahless

Originally Appeared Here

In Quark's, Kor is holding court and giving a recital
How he marked victory over T'Nag by making vittles of his vitals
Worf's too ashamed to greet him since his house lost their titles
And Just like MC Hammer(1), you know we can't touch our idols
'Cause they tell me the gilding, it sticks to our digits(2)
Son, you know I flow like Flaubert(3) when your rhyming is rigid

Kor calls him a traitor, a pariah, and the lowest of the low
But think how grateful their messiah will be with them when they go
Retrieve the sword that had been stolen by the Hur'q
Glory's their reward and it's time to go to work
But once they find the weapon, they get ambushed by Toral
Pursued a feud like the Clantons at the ol' O.K. Corral(4)
Kor springs into action, swinging and slaying with the bat'leth
First man in a millenia it kills sees the honor in that death
Kor learns Worf could've killed Toral before, says curse him and curse me
Worf may have compromised their errand with an error of mercy(5)
But now that the interlopers get left in the dust,
It's only the three of them and they start to lose trust
Both men want to be emperor, Ring of Power couldn't weigh less(6)
A couple D'bloks acting like they forgot about Kahless(7)
Kor trips on the path, almost goes down like Elsa Schneider(8)
Dax doesn't trust either, sleeps and keeps the sword beside her
They make it to safety, they completed their quest
But to leave the sword out in space they agree's for the best.

  1. Rapper famous for the hit "U Can't Touch This"
  2. From Madame Bovary, "We must not touch our idols; the gilt sticks to our fingers"
  3. Gustave Flaubert, author of the aforementioned novel.
  4. A gang led by Ike Clanton fought Wyatt Earp in the gunfight at the O.K. Corral. The crew of the Enterprise was forced to reenact these events in "Spectre of the Gun"
  5. Kor's first appearance was in TOS's "Errand of Mercy"
  6. From J.R.R. Tolkein's The Lord of the Rings
  7. A reference to "Forgot About Dre" and the epithet Kahless the Unforgettable
  8. From Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Elsa Schneider falls down a chasm trying to retrieve the Holy Grail

Monday, January 7, 2013

Hippocratic Oath

Originally Appeared Here

When the going gets hard, you know I only go harder
'Cause I got a flow that shines like Altarian glow water(1)
Admiring my watch 'cause it's got the Spican flame gems(2)
But some prefer Tallonian crystals(3) and I don't think I can blame them
Worf questions Odo's methods, doesn't know they get results
While Bashir and O'Brien investigate the strange magneton pulse
Jem'hadar gonna hunt them for sport, but the doctor saves them both
Says he'll heal their addicition, it's his hippocratic oath
The chief is left to tinker with his tricorder, playing Tetris all night
Bashir tries to relieve them from the need for all that ketracel-white
'Cause Goran'Agar figured out there's no promise of Elysium(4)
Just dead Jem'hadar strung out like Onarans on Felicium(5)
Born to fight 'til they die, or maybe grown in a clone vat(6)
And a commander can't abandon them, Bashir shoulda known that
While they make their way back home, just the chief and the doc
Worf is told in time he'll fit in just like gears in a clock(7)
Because they've made comprises already, gonna be a whole lot more
Not black and white like Cheron(8), but shades of grey on Surata IV(9)

  1. Presumably a typo of Antarean glow water, a liquid mostly used for polishing Spican flame gems.
  2. Semi-valuable crystal, undesired by the bartender on Deep Space K-7 in "The Trouble With Tribbles"
  3. Precious gemstones illegal anywhere off the Tallonian homeworld.
  4. From Greek Mythology, where the righteous and heroes go to live with the gods after death.
  5. In TNG's "Symbiosis", the Onarans are initially given the drug felicium to cure a plague, but the neighboring planet keeps them addicted after the disease is eradicated to sell them the drug at a profit.
  6. Jem'Hadar are shown to grow quickly from infancy, however their Vorta masters originate as clones.
  7. Captain Sisko is repairing his Saltah'na clock from "Dramatis Personae" as he is talking to Worf.
  8. Planet from TOS's "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", home to the half-white, half-black Bele and Lokai.
  9. Planet from TNG's "Shades of Gray" where Commander Riker was infected by an alien parasite.