Our Man Bashir

Originally Appeared Here

He knocks a fella on his coccyx, puts him right into traction
He's out like Bela Oxymx lookin' for a Piece of the Action(1)
Got a '45 like Dirty Harry(2), but it's a magnum of champagne
Popping corks instead of caps, nails Mr. Falcon in the brain
It's Our Man Bashir with the Double-O Style(3)
With unwelcome help from a Cardassian exile
But the crew gets caught up in a transporter buffer
And put in place of the program, now the going gets tougher
No way to get victory over villains you can't kill,
Who view the world as vermin, just termites and anthills
Play the part of Nero's Narada(4), drilling down to the mantle
Rom will get them out soon, if Bashir can keep my dad rappin'
Explaining his plan about a balloon and something bad happens(5)
Bashir sees covering the continents is the only real course
Acts with no ego, no conscience, and no remorse
'Cause it's only a simulated  planet he's willing to concede
Noah thought his flood would be a dud, didn't expect to succeed

1. Bela Okmyx was one of the mob bosses on Sigma Iotia II in "A Piece of the Action"
2. Harry Callahan is known for using a .44 Magnum. His foe in the first Dirty Harry film is portrayed by Andrew Robinson.
3. James Bond is classified as a "00 Agent"
4. Nero, from the 2009 Star Trek film, used his mining ship Narada to drill into the crust on the planet Vulcan.
5. From the Futurama episode "Where No Fan Has Gone Before", when Leela's Star Trek-inspired plan to defeat Melllvar goes wrong.

The Sword of Kahless

Originally Appeared Here

In Quark's, Kor is holding court and giving a recital
How he marked victory over T'Nag by making vittles of his vitals
Worf's too ashamed to greet him since his house lost their titles
And Just like MC Hammer(1), you know we can't touch our idols
'Cause they tell me the gilding, it sticks to our digits(2)
Son, you know I flow like Flaubert(3) when your rhyming is rigid

Kor calls him a traitor, a pariah, and the lowest of the low
But think how grateful their messiah will be with them when they go
Retrieve the sword that had been stolen by the Hur'q
Glory's their reward and it's time to go to work
But once they find the weapon, they get ambushed by Toral
Pursued a feud like the Clantons at the ol' O.K. Corral(4)
Kor springs into action, swinging and slaying with the bat'leth
First man in a millenia it kills sees the honor in that death
Kor learns Worf could've killed Toral before, says curse him and curse me
Worf may have compromised their errand with an error of mercy(5)
But now that the interlopers get left in the dust,
It's only the three of them and they start to lose trust
Both men want to be emperor, Ring of Power couldn't weigh less(6)
A couple D'bloks acting like they forgot about Kahless(7)
Kor trips on the path, almost goes down like Elsa Schneider(8)
Dax doesn't trust either, sleeps and keeps the sword beside her
They make it to safety, they completed their quest
But to leave the sword out in space they agree's for the best.

1. Rapper famous for the hit "U Can't Touch This"
2. From Madame Bovary, "We must not touch our idols; the gilt sticks to our fingers"
3. Gustave Flaubert, author of the aforementioned novel.
4. A gang led by Ike Clanton fought Wyatt Earp in the gunfight at the O.K. Corral. The crew of the Enterprise was forced to reenact these events in "Spectre of the Gun"
5. Kor's first appearance was in TOS's "Errand of Mercy"
6. From J.R.R. Tolkein's The Lord of the Rings
7. A reference to "Forgot About Dre" and the epithet Kahless the Unforgettable
8. From Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Elsa Schneider falls down a chasm trying to retrieve the Holy Grail

Hippocratic Oath

Originally Appeared Here

When the going gets hard, you know I only go harder
'Cause I got a flow that shines like Altarian glow water(1)
Admiring my watch 'cause it's got the Spican flame gems(2)
But some prefer Tallonian crystals(3) and I don't think I can blame them
Worf questions Odo's methods, doesn't know they get results
While Bashir and O'Brien investigate the strange magneton pulse
Jem'hadar gonna hunt them for sport, but the doctor saves them both
Says he'll heal their addicition, it's his hippocratic oath
The chief is left to tinker with his tricorder, playing Tetris all night
Bashir tries to relieve them from the need for all that ketracel-white
'Cause Goran'Agar figured out there's no promise of Elysium(4)
Just dead Jem'hadar strung out like Onarans on Felicium(5)
Born to fight 'til they die, or maybe grown in a clone vat(6)
And a commander can't abandon them, Bashir shoulda known that
While they make their way back home, just the chief and the doc
Worf is told in time he'll fit in just like gears in a clock(7)
Because they've made comprises already, gonna be a whole lot more
Not black and white like Cheron(8), but shades of grey on Surata IV(9)

1. Presumably a typo of Antarean glow water, a liquid mostly used for polishing Spican flame gems.
2. Semi-valuable crystal, undesired by the bartender on Deep Space K-7 in "The Trouble With Tribbles"
3. Precious gemstones illegal anywhere off the Tallonian homeworld.
4. From Greek Mythology, where the righteous and heroes go to live with the gods after death.
5. In TNG's "Symbiosis", the Onarans are initially given the drug felicium to cure a plague, but the neighboring planet keeps them addicted after the disease is eradicated to sell them the drug at a profit.
6. Jem'Hadar are shown to grow quickly from infancy, however their Vorta masters originate as clones.
7. Captain Sisko is repairing his Saltah'na clock from "Dramatis Personae" as he is talking to Worf.
8. Planet from TOS's "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", home to the half-white, half-black Bele and Lokai.
9. Planet from TNG's "Shades of Gray" where Commander Riker was infected by an alien parasite.

The Visitor

Originally Appeared Here

Listen- Benny Sisko has come unstuck in time(1)
And me, I'm just left standing here too dumbstruck to rhyme
About what happened to my captain right in front of my eyes
What was a routine expedition ended in a rude surprise
*     *     *
So with out dad's mediation the Alpha quadrant situation
Undergoes deterioration and I have to leave the station
Where we're visited by the dead like we were orbiting Solaris(2)
'Cause it's so swarming with Klingons it would stun Mr. Baris(3)
And in one instant I see the futility of resistance(4)
And I'm left watching DS9 diminish in the distance
*     *     *
Once the Klingons claim the station by the right of artillery
I'm sure that we'll get over it, as Norgay said to Hillary(5)
And when I finally feel that I've put the past behind
Dad shows up behind the sofa and it come crashing back to mind
Then he's gone again, but the afterimage lingers
And the more I tighten my grip the more he slips between my fingers(6)
*     *     *
So now I'm dropping english and picking up some science(7)
Call in some favors to the crew and see if the Defiant's
Up to stopping dad slipping in and out of this phenomenon(8)
Moving back and forth in time like an electron and a positron
I figured out we're tied together in a chrono-synclastic infundibulum(9)
And sometimes that elastic snaps back toward equilibrium
Periodically like Halley's comet, reconverging like the Twain(10,11)
And I've figured out when from subspace he's emerging once again
*     *     *
We're reunited in supspace as father and son,
But dad seems upset with everthing that I've done
He thinks something stinks about my change of profession
Like a dikironium cloud that reeks of Captain Kirk's "Obsession"(12,13)
Cared for what I lost more than the joy a wife could bring
Says if I ain't a got Korena, life don't mean a thing(14)
*     *     *
One last time for everything, glad I had the opportunity
To tell one last story, now that I have you with me
Come tromping through the bayou in the middle of the night
Try to crack the riddle of how little I did write.
She's leavin' and I'm grieven over ties I have to sever
Wait until it's at its tightest, and then I cut the tether

*     *     *
I can spare those years of pain from a kid already lost his mom
I'm gone like tears in the rain(15) and dad comes home like Major Tom(16)
'Cause I didn't only do it for the sake of my dear dad
But also for the Jake I was to live the life I never had

1. A reference to the first sentence of the second chapter in Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five
2. In Stanislaw Lem's Solaris, (and the 1972 Andrei Tarkovsky film of the same name) an astronaut on a station orbiting the planet Solaris is contact by an alien intelligence in the form of his dead wife.
3. In "The Trouble With Tribbles", Nilz Baris of Station K-7 complains to Kirk that his station is "swarming with Klingons"
4. A reference to the Borg's repeated line, "Resistance is futile"
5. Tenzing Norgay and Sir Edmund Hillary were the first two people to summit Mount Everest.
6. A reference to Star Wars: A New Hope, where Princess Leia tells Governor Tarkin, "The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.
7. In N.W.A.'s "Express Yourself", Dr. Dre raps, "Some drop science, but I'm dropping english"
8. A reference to Liquid Liquid's "Cavern", most famous as the basis for Grandmaster Melle Mel's "White Lines (Don't Do It)"
9. From Kurt Vonnegut's The Sirens of Titan, where Winston Niles Rumfoord encounters such a phenomena and has his wave function spread across the solar system. He appears and disappears at his old home much as Captain Sisko does.
10. Mark Twain was born during and died immediately after a visit to earth by the comet. He makes mention of it when brought onboard the Enterprise-D in "Time's Arrow".
11. A reference to Thomas Hardy's "The Convergence of the Twain"
12. In the TOS episode "Obsession", Kirk tries to destroy an energy cloud (characterized by a 'sickly sweet' smell) that killed his crewmates on the U.S.S. Farragut twelve years prior.
13. A reference to the fragrance Calvin Klein's Obsession
14. From Bob Dylan's "Corrina, Corrina"
15. A reference to Roy Batty's final speech in Blade Runner before he dies
16. Character from David Bowie's "Space Oddity" and Peter Schilling's later sequel-song "Major Tom (Coming Home)"

The Way of the Warrior

Originally Appeared Here

You know I get stuck when I try to ad lib this
Paint myself into a corner between Scylla and Charybdis(1)
That's right, I'm talking about a place and a hard rock
Or the space between Cardassia and that General Martok
While the crew is on alert running drills on the station
Trying to prepare for any Changeling infiltration
The Klingons show up and uncloak their armada
That was lurking in the darkness like the Vashta Nerada(2)
They say that they're there to protect the order in the sector
But something about it sets of dad's bullshit detector
So he gets Worf to use bloodwine as liquid persuasion
And uncovers the plan for a massive invasion
It's too late to stop 'em, it's already begun
Defiant rescues the Detapa(3) and now dad's on the run
Makes it back to the station racing like a Corvette
Gowron gives up the fight, but he won't forgive or forget.

1. Idiom from Greek mythology, involving the two sea monsters on either side of the Strait of Messina
2. Flesh-eating carnivores from Doctor Who that exist in microscopic swarms hiding in shadows.
3. Cardassian governing body which had just overthrown the military Central Command.

Shakaar

Originally Appeared Here

Now it's time to move aside, for a bona fide microphone rocker
Never off-key, tell Tarkovsky, O'Brien's in the zone like Stalker(1)
Throwing darts that hit the mark, my boy has got the golden shoulder
While Kira's in her quarters with a spark meant for a votive in a holder
When my dad gives Nerys the news, that there's a new First Minister
And worse yet it's Winn, you know she's up to something sinister
It's about a bunch of reclamators, Kai says Shakaar has stole 'em
And if Kira doesn't sort it out then she'll send Lenaris Holem
But they talk to the colonel about when their enemies were foreign
Instead of all internal, just Bajoran on Bajoran
So they reach an agreement and return to Winn Adami
Say Shakaar will be in charge and she folds like origami.

1. 1979 film from Andrei Tarkovsky, about a mysterious and dangerous site known as the Zone.

Family Business

Originally Appeared Here

When I come back to the quarters and smell the paprika
I know dad's in a good mood and that's when I say eureka
'Cause I know he's a catch but he hasn't had many dates
So I maybe I can hook him up with Captain Kasidy Yates
While Quark gets hit like a stun from a phaser
When his bar receives a visit from Brunt the appraiser
And says his mom's been dealing beetles like Monopoly properties
But a female making profit goes against their popular hypotheses
She won't back down and she stands in defiance
Says they need a new society in the Ferengi Alliance
She thinks the way they get offended by ladies who speak
Stinks like a second-hand stillsuit from Paul Atreides' Boutique(1)
Rom gets his mom to relent, but after Quark leaves,
She admits she put on a shirt so she could hide some up her sleeves
Meantime I'm making matches like Metrons with the Gorn and Kirk(2)
Call me crazy, but I think it might work
when he and Kasidy catch the ball game over on Cestus III(3)
I gotta say it looks like a success to me.

1. A reference to both Paul Atreides of the Dune series, and the Beastie Boys' 1989 album Paul's Boutique.
2. Aliens who forced Kirk and the Gorn captain together to settle their differences in the episode "Arena"
3. Federation colony where Kasidy's brother plays baseball, attacked by the Gorn in the aforementioned episode "Arena".