Rap Battle: Round Two-One

Originally Appeared Here
Chump had a week to prepare, ain't got nothing to show?
Man you got less toys than Kivas Fajo(1)
Rollin' in the Rio Grande(2) you better let Nog drive
because if you ride like you rhyme you won't get out alive

Speakin of Big Ears(3), he's the Kenan to your Kel(4)
You started out together but he's the one on SNL
He got the keys to the Defiant(5), and you had to take a hike
and now you rollin' slower than Captain Pike(6)

and you doubt my prowess? I'm the original stud
Rachel Garett, Janice Rand, even Ashley Judd(7)
All the ladies dig my moves, ain't got no time for solace
got more face-time here than Darien Wallace(8)

and to all the haters who think we're one in the same
You're like Chubb Rock, Insane in the Brain(9)
This buster's just a copy, the Enemy Within(10)
Gonna vanish faster than Tubby George Primmin(11)

and where will you go? I'll give you a clue
thumb a ride from your pops down to Qualor II(12)
for the has-been crowd, it's the favorite port of call
So better bone up your chops on 'Melor Famagal'(13)

1. A Zibalian trader, who in fact has the most toys, implying everyone must have less toys than him,
2. Runabout docked at DS9
3. Tumak's nickname for Nog, used in the episode
4. Former teen comedy show starring the eponymous duo.
5. Nog later entered Starfleet and became the helmsman of the Defiant.
6. Captain of the Enterprise before Kirk, confined to a wheelchair after a training accident
7. Captain of the Enterprise-C, yeoman on the original Enterprise, and the actress who played Wesley Crusher's girlfriend Robin Lefler, respectively
8. Enterprise-D officer who appeared in over sixty episodes but only had one line.
9. Rapper Chubb Rock was the target of Cypress Hill's diss track "Insane in the Brain"
10. Original Series episode where Captain Kirk is duplicated (in good and evil versions) by a transporter accident.
11. Security officer temporarily assigned to DS9. His character was inserted largely because Colm Meaney, who portrayed O'Brien, was unavailable for some episodes.
12. Planet orbited by a Salvage yard visited by the Enterprise-D while investigating the debris of the T'Pau in the episode "Unification"
13. Favorite musical composition of a Ferengi trader who visited that same salvage yard.

Rap Battle: Round One-Five

Originally Appeared Here
Rebuttle accepted, Rappin' Jake
Then we'll see who's the real fake
My gammas and your alphas? it's about to get rude
the first ever interquadrant turf feud

and as for my words setting for stun?
Son you forget this is just Round 1!
Like Kirk I always make sure to hail before,
Layin' down General Order 24(1).

So hope you and yours are ready to rumble
because next week you gonna feel humble
I'm gonna make you disappear the next time we spar
like Emperor Jim(2) with a bottle of Kanar

1. A rarely-issued order to destroy all life on a planet, given (but not carried out) by Captain Kirk in "A Taste of Armageddon"
2. Regular AV Club commenter and Cardassian drink enthusiast

Rap Battle: Round One-Four

Originally Appeared Here

Please allow me to offer a rebuttal,
My science is so tight I'm the name of a shuttle(1)
In a future without money, somehow you're still broke
I'm not saying that it's funny, but it seems like a joke.
Your lyrics are weak, you're only setting for stun,
You're on the losing side like in "Spectre of the Gun"(2)
Try to make a comparison to Senator Vreenak(3),
Tell Jake he's a fake, son, how 'bout a rematch?
We'll meet back in a week and do this up right,
If you think you can dance with the Devil In the Pale Moonlight.

1. Shuttlecraft on starships have been traditionally named after scientists- Galileo, Hawking, Feynman, etc.
2. Original Series episode were Kirk and company are forced to re-enact the gunfight at the O.K. Corral as the losing side.
3. The Romulan senator previously alluded to by Tumak.

Rap Battle: Round One-Three

Originally Appeared Here
I see Rap Battle Protocol ain't neccessary
for the two-baggin son of the Emissary(1)
but I don't need Onaya(2) strokin' my head
to lay down the rhymes and knock you dead

I'm slick like Armus(3) so you made a mistake
if you get in my grill and call me a flake
You're the FAAAKE(4) and I'm the new deal
That'll even make your pops say that IT'S REAAL(5)

If I'm breakfast for Picard than your moms was lunch
Deep fried at Wolf for a satisfying crunch(6)
Probably for the best she didn't get assimilated
because after leaving my crib she probably wouldn't have waited

to hang with your dad, wait, wasn't he fired?
Couldn't make it last after Spenser: For Hire(7)
had to hang with his manpiece alone in a sock
leaves him plenty of time to make A CLOCK(8)

but what of you, like father like son?
like your novel Anselm you just couldn't get it done(9)
the ladies of the Promonade are missing their Whoa
need a new MC to make 'em say "Dabo!"

1. The first epsiode established Jake's father as the Emissary, a spiritual leader of the Bajoran people
2. Non-corporeal alien that fed off of Jake's creative energies in The Muse
3. An alien entity resembling an oil slick that killed Tasha Yar
4. Line famously uttered by Senator Vreenak upon uncovering the elder Sisko's deception in the episode "In the Pale Moonlight".
5. Benny Russel's repeated claim about his science fiction story (about DS9) from the episode Far Beyond the Stars
6. The pilot episode included a flashback to Jake's mother's death at the Battle of Wolf 359
7. Avery Brooks' television series before Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
8. The object of Commander Sisko's obsession when possessed by an alien energy sphere in "Dramatis Personae"
9. Jake Sisko's debut novel, shown completed in the alternate timeline of "The Visitor"

Rap Battle: Round One-Two

Originally Appeared Here
Fool, I'm cutting up rappers like Garak with textiles(1).
I'm on my home turf, don't waste time with you exiles.
Ask your sister or your lover, I'm the one they all want,
Rhymes as rich as butter when you're flakin' out like a croissant(2)
On the table of Captain Picard, having Something for Breakfast(3)
I get up in your grill and tick you off like a checklist.
Ain't you ever ask yourself why your people were displaced?
It's because no one in the galaxy can stand to see your face.
You're covered with more pimples than Wesley Crusher's ass,
Cry to mama when you see yourself in a glass
Or a scanner, darkly(4).
Why you think your holographic girlfriend is two-timin' with Barclay(5)?

1. Elim Garak works as a tailor on Deep Space Nine.
2. T'Rogorans are known for leaving flakes of skin wherever they go.
3. Title of a play written by Beverly Crusher on TNG, may or may not be about a red-haired doctor and a bald French captain who frequently share breakfast.
4. Novel by Philip K. Dick, titled in reference to a phrase from 1 Corinthians 13:12 - "For now we see through a glass, darkly."
5. Enterprise-D crew member who was addicted to the holodeck in the episode "Hollow Pursuits".

Rap Battle: Round One-One

Originally Appeared Here

Rappin Jake S, we meet at last

No man has gone before but I had to make a pass

I've observed your flow but I must admit

Your words got rhythm but yo presence ain't shit

but please allow me to be introduced

because I can't expect to be so easily deduced

so who am I, with the words so entwined?

Mike Seaver called me Boner(1), but I Left him Behind(2)

I'm tha starchild legacy you should always know

cuz my pops rocked the phasers on the original show(3)

I got moves like Kolrami(4) and the knowledge of the Q

so when I roll into your station with my Gamma Quad crew

I'll diagnose like McCoy and lay the logic like Spock

ladies call me Andy, but you can call me 2mak

I'm searchin' for Kentanna but you're in my way(5)

and all I ever wanted was Bajoran play

they're ribbed for my pleasure I think you know what I mean

but thanks to your Ferenghi(6) now we've got a scene

So you gon' match rhymes or are you from Mizar II(7)?

My words are weapons grade trilithium(8) to a chump like you

I got the mastery of language and the upper hand

like the Sheliak Corporate in Ensigns of Command(9)

So I hope you're feeling ready, feeling at your peak

cuz it's all going down on the boards next week

Do your worst, but you gonna catch Hell

like a city named Shaka when the walls fell(10)

1. Andrew Koenig, who portrays Tumak, previously played the character "Boner" on the show Growing Pains.
2. Koenig's Growing Pains co-star Kirk Cameron later starred in the film adaptation of the popular Christian book series Left Behind.
3. Andrew Koenig's father played Pavel Chekov on the orignal Star Trek series.
4. Sirna Kolrami, from the TNG episode "Peak Performance", was a grandmaster of the game Strategema
5. Prophesied paradise of the T'Rogorans in "Sanctuary".
6. Jake's friend Nog provoked a fight with Tumak in that same episode.
7. Planet of pacifist aliens, first encountered in TNG's "Allegiance".
8. Powerful explosive, used in Soran's star-destroying weapon in Star Trek: Generations.
9. Alien race who forced human settlers off of a colony .
10. Tamarian metaphor for failure or defeat.

Necessary Evil

Originally Appeared Here
My lyrics are sublime as I'm laying down some rhymes
While Odo's in his office investigating crimes
He's asked to keep a record, voice over like Deckard(1)
Next thing he's reflecting on a past that's checkered
When a chemist got shot, and he was asked by Dukat
To suss out some suspects, make sure the killer is caught
The wife of the deceased point the blame at Nerys
Her alibi is espionage, but Odo grants her release
But now he realizes he reached the wrong conclusion
And the chemist was robbed 'cause of Cardassian collusion
It's the only rational reason she could still get her tea
When it was rarer than a red shirt in the A.A.R.P.(2)
He sees why in this instance the Gul kept his distance
Or else the resistance would kill his assistants
Back in the present, he's hurt by this news
Looks at the Major like his trust's been abused
And he finds all this time she was rightfully accused.

1. Harrison Ford's character from Blade Runner, who provided disinterested narration in the theatrical version of the film.
2. American Association of Retired Persons, which most red shirts do not live long enough to enter.