Rap Battle: Epilogue

Originally Appeared Here
It was a battle well fought, give my props to Tumak
And remember the words of the poet G'trok(1)
And "honor the valiant who die 'neath your sword"
'Cause they're off to Sto-vo-Kor(2) to get their reward
It's only geniality once we reach the battle's end
In a different reality, I could have called you... "Friend"(3)

1. Klingon poet who wrote The Fall of Kang.
2. Klingon afterlife for the honored dead
3. Last words of the Romulan commander in "Balance of Terror"

Rap Battle: Round Two-Four

Originally Appeared Here

I ain't ripping off flow or diverting a river,
Ask Varis about it the next time you're with her.(1)
If she can get past the fact that you stink like a skunk
You can teach her entymology when you pull out your junk(2).
You call me Balok, but you put up a false front(3)
I swing for the fences while you lay down a bunt,
Like Rom, trying to manufacture a victory(4)
You're tossin' out names but none of them stick to me
Cause like a poor marksman you keep missing the target(5)
The only mush you recognize is Lord Kruge's targ's shit(6).
Come to my quadrant, I don't care how far your hail from
I'll hunt your ass down 'round the Antares Maelstrom(7).

1. The Paqu village lead by Varis Sul gained a significant tract of land when the Glyrhond River was diverted, literally ripping off the flow from the neighboring Navot village.
2. Jake has been tutoring his girlfriend, the Dabo girl Mardah, in entymology
3. A child-sized alien from "The Corbomite Maneuver" who initially used an intimidating puppet to communicate with the Enterprise crew.
4. In "Take Me Out To the Holosuite", Rom (inadvertently) bunts in the Niners' only run.
5. Accusation from Kirk to Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when Khan's attempt to kill Kirk with the Ceti-eel controlled Chekov and Terrell results in Terrell's death instead of Kirk's.
6. Targ-owning villain of Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
7. In Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Khan vows to hunt Kirk all the way around this astronomical body.

Rap Battle: Round Two-Three

Originally Appeared Here
Varon T Distruption? More like Starfleet Judo
You got more duds than Tiberius has got Green Hoes(1)
Yeah I'll be in sickbay to pay my last respects
to the corpse of a brother who didn't know how to genuflect

What's up Doc? Better call you Bones(2)
because that's all that'll be left when I'm done with you Holmes
You'll be unrecognizable mush, a real horror
Such a specimen only fit for Dr. Mora(3)

And as for Melora? Man, she was just a floater(4)
Just blew away when I tried to motor-boat her
Which is more than you can say for Varis Sul(5)
Lost that one to your Ferengi ghoul

but I'll drop her a line when I see her on Kentanna(6)
I said I'd bring you along but she said she didn't wanna
see you again just like the First Federation(7)
cuz like Balok, you're just a source of aggravation

How I like you now? More like Kool and the Gang(8)
You want to Get Down On It but you can't even hang
Gotta rip off my flow like a common Juggalo(9)
Like the Warp 5 Enterprise you just too slow(10)

1. A common stereotype of Kirk's romantic conquests as green-skinned aliens, it was actually Captain Pike who met the green-skinned Orion slave girl Vina in "The Cage". Kirk did have a romantic involvement with green-skinned fellow cadet Gaila in the 2009 film.
2. Nickname for Dr. McCoy on the original series.
3. Mora Pol was the scientist assigned to study Odo, when he was not known to be anything more than a puddle of viscous goo.
4. Melora's home planet is notable for its low gravity.
5. In "The Storyteller", the visiting Bajorn Varis Sul has a crush on Jake's Ferengi best friend.
6. Mythical paradise for which Tumak's fellow Skrreeans are searching
7. Organization to which the alien Balok belonged in "The Corbomite Maneuver"
8. Soul and funk group originating in the 1960's
9. Fan of the hip-hop duo the Insane Clown Posse, the self-proclaimed "Most hated band in America".
10. Eponymous starship from the prequel TV series Enterprise, possessing a top speed much less than the ships that would later bear the name.

Rap Battle: Round Two-Two

Originally Appeared Here
Yeah, I'm Kivas Fajo, with some Varon T disruption(1).
If you try and mess with me I can guarantee destruction.
I can smell you comin' cause you're still covered in stink spray(2)
Wreck yo so hard that you end up in sick bay
'Cause all of your rhymes are dull and repetitive 
Bashir wants to extract some to use as a sedative.
I'm the real McCoy, you're not even Dr. Piper(3)
And I was bustin' rhymes back when you were still in diapers(4).
They call you Tumak cause you're so easy to mock
Best protect your neck when I attack like Spock(5)
Tried to score with Melora-
she said you're worse than half-dead rakht(6).
Your plasma coil's busted and you had better watch your back
Or it will blow up in your face when you try for an attack(7)
They'll find you at Qualor II in the junkyard like T'Pau(8)
I'm stylin' free like Kool Moe Dee, so How You Like Me Now(9)?

1. Extremely rare and extremely viscious hand-held weapon. Only five were produced, four of which were reportedly owned by Fajo.
2. In the episode "Sanctuary", Jake's friend Nog plays a prank and douses Tumak with stink spray
3. Mark Piper was the chief medical officer on the Enterprise in "Where No Man Has Gone Before", after which he was replaced by Dr. McCoy.
4. Scotty boasted in the episode "Relics" to have been driving starships when Geordi's great-grandfather was still in diapers. Captain Kirk made a similar claim in Generations.
5. A reference to Spock's famous Vulcan nerve pinch.
6. Dish served at the Klingon restaurant on Deep Space Nine. According to Melora Pazlar, there is nothing worse than half-dead rakht.
7. Tumak is killed in the episode's climax when his attempt to fire the weapons on a stolen vessel overloads its plasma coil.
8. Vulcan starship stolen by Romulans in TNG's "Unification". The theft was uncovered when parts from the ship were found among the wreckage of a Ferengi cargo ship.
9. The second album from rapper Kool Moe Dee, which continued his long-running feud with LL Cool J.

Rap Battle: Round Two-One

Originally Appeared Here
Chump had a week to prepare, ain't got nothing to show?
Man you got less toys than Kivas Fajo(1)
Rollin' in the Rio Grande(2) you better let Nog drive
because if you ride like you rhyme you won't get out alive

Speakin of Big Ears(3), he's the Kenan to your Kel(4)
You started out together but he's the one on SNL
He got the keys to the Defiant(5), and you had to take a hike
and now you rollin' slower than Captain Pike(6)

and you doubt my prowess? I'm the original stud
Rachel Garett, Janice Rand, even Ashley Judd(7)
All the ladies dig my moves, ain't got no time for solace
got more face-time here than Darien Wallace(8)

and to all the haters who think we're one in the same
You're like Chubb Rock, Insane in the Brain(9)
This buster's just a copy, the Enemy Within(10)
Gonna vanish faster than Tubby George Primmin(11)

and where will you go? I'll give you a clue
thumb a ride from your pops down to Qualor II(12)
for the has-been crowd, it's the favorite port of call
So better bone up your chops on 'Melor Famagal'(13)

1. A Zibalian trader, who in fact has the most toys, implying everyone must have less toys than him,
2. Runabout docked at DS9
3. Tumak's nickname for Nog, used in the episode
4. Former teen comedy show starring the eponymous duo.
5. Nog later entered Starfleet and became the helmsman of the Defiant.
6. Captain of the Enterprise before Kirk, confined to a wheelchair after a training accident
7. Captain of the Enterprise-C, yeoman on the original Enterprise, and the actress who played Wesley Crusher's girlfriend Robin Lefler, respectively
8. Enterprise-D officer who appeared in over sixty episodes but only had one line.
9. Rapper Chubb Rock was the target of Cypress Hill's diss track "Insane in the Brain"
10. Original Series episode where Captain Kirk is duplicated (in good and evil versions) by a transporter accident.
11. Security officer temporarily assigned to DS9. His character was inserted largely because Colm Meaney, who portrayed O'Brien, was unavailable for some episodes.
12. Planet orbited by a Salvage yard visited by the Enterprise-D while investigating the debris of the T'Pau in the episode "Unification"
13. Favorite musical composition of a Ferengi trader who visited that same salvage yard.

Rap Battle: Round One-Five

Originally Appeared Here
Rebuttle accepted, Rappin' Jake
Then we'll see who's the real fake
My gammas and your alphas? it's about to get rude
the first ever interquadrant turf feud

and as for my words setting for stun?
Son you forget this is just Round 1!
Like Kirk I always make sure to hail before,
Layin' down General Order 24(1).

So hope you and yours are ready to rumble
because next week you gonna feel humble
I'm gonna make you disappear the next time we spar
like Emperor Jim(2) with a bottle of Kanar

1. A rarely-issued order to destroy all life on a planet, given (but not carried out) by Captain Kirk in "A Taste of Armageddon"
2. Regular AV Club commenter and Cardassian drink enthusiast

Rap Battle: Round One-Four

Originally Appeared Here

Please allow me to offer a rebuttal,
My science is so tight I'm the name of a shuttle(1)
In a future without money, somehow you're still broke
I'm not saying that it's funny, but it seems like a joke.
Your lyrics are weak, you're only setting for stun,
You're on the losing side like in "Spectre of the Gun"(2)
Try to make a comparison to Senator Vreenak(3),
Tell Jake he's a fake, son, how 'bout a rematch?
We'll meet back in a week and do this up right,
If you think you can dance with the Devil In the Pale Moonlight.

1. Shuttlecraft on starships have been traditionally named after scientists- Galileo, Hawking, Feynman, etc.
2. Original Series episode were Kirk and company are forced to re-enact the gunfight at the O.K. Corral as the losing side.
3. The Romulan senator previously alluded to by Tumak.

Rap Battle: Round One-Three

Originally Appeared Here
I see Rap Battle Protocol ain't neccessary
for the two-baggin son of the Emissary(1)
but I don't need Onaya(2) strokin' my head
to lay down the rhymes and knock you dead

I'm slick like Armus(3) so you made a mistake
if you get in my grill and call me a flake
You're the FAAAKE(4) and I'm the new deal
That'll even make your pops say that IT'S REAAL(5)

If I'm breakfast for Picard than your moms was lunch
Deep fried at Wolf for a satisfying crunch(6)
Probably for the best she didn't get assimilated
because after leaving my crib she probably wouldn't have waited

to hang with your dad, wait, wasn't he fired?
Couldn't make it last after Spenser: For Hire(7)
had to hang with his manpiece alone in a sock
leaves him plenty of time to make A CLOCK(8)

but what of you, like father like son?
like your novel Anselm you just couldn't get it done(9)
the ladies of the Promonade are missing their Whoa
need a new MC to make 'em say "Dabo!"

1. The first epsiode established Jake's father as the Emissary, a spiritual leader of the Bajoran people
2. Non-corporeal alien that fed off of Jake's creative energies in The Muse
3. An alien entity resembling an oil slick that killed Tasha Yar
4. Line famously uttered by Senator Vreenak upon uncovering the elder Sisko's deception in the episode "In the Pale Moonlight".
5. Benny Russel's repeated claim about his science fiction story (about DS9) from the episode Far Beyond the Stars
6. The pilot episode included a flashback to Jake's mother's death at the Battle of Wolf 359
7. Avery Brooks' television series before Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
8. The object of Commander Sisko's obsession when possessed by an alien energy sphere in "Dramatis Personae"
9. Jake Sisko's debut novel, shown completed in the alternate timeline of "The Visitor"

Rap Battle: Round One-Two

Originally Appeared Here
Fool, I'm cutting up rappers like Garak with textiles(1).
I'm on my home turf, don't waste time with you exiles.
Ask your sister or your lover, I'm the one they all want,
Rhymes as rich as butter when you're flakin' out like a croissant(2)
On the table of Captain Picard, having Something for Breakfast(3)
I get up in your grill and tick you off like a checklist.
Ain't you ever ask yourself why your people were displaced?
It's because no one in the galaxy can stand to see your face.
You're covered with more pimples than Wesley Crusher's ass,
Cry to mama when you see yourself in a glass
Or a scanner, darkly(4).
Why you think your holographic girlfriend is two-timin' with Barclay(5)?

1. Elim Garak works as a tailor on Deep Space Nine.
2. T'Rogorans are known for leaving flakes of skin wherever they go.
3. Title of a play written by Beverly Crusher on TNG, may or may not be about a red-haired doctor and a bald French captain who frequently share breakfast.
4. Novel by Philip K. Dick, titled in reference to a phrase from 1 Corinthians 13:12 - "For now we see through a glass, darkly."
5. Enterprise-D crew member who was addicted to the holodeck in the episode "Hollow Pursuits".

Rap Battle: Round One-One

Originally Appeared Here

Rappin Jake S, we meet at last

No man has gone before but I had to make a pass

I've observed your flow but I must admit

Your words got rhythm but yo presence ain't shit

but please allow me to be introduced

because I can't expect to be so easily deduced

so who am I, with the words so entwined?

Mike Seaver called me Boner(1), but I Left him Behind(2)

I'm tha starchild legacy you should always know

cuz my pops rocked the phasers on the original show(3)

I got moves like Kolrami(4) and the knowledge of the Q

so when I roll into your station with my Gamma Quad crew

I'll diagnose like McCoy and lay the logic like Spock

ladies call me Andy, but you can call me 2mak

I'm searchin' for Kentanna but you're in my way(5)

and all I ever wanted was Bajoran play

they're ribbed for my pleasure I think you know what I mean

but thanks to your Ferenghi(6) now we've got a scene

So you gon' match rhymes or are you from Mizar II(7)?

My words are weapons grade trilithium(8) to a chump like you

I got the mastery of language and the upper hand

like the Sheliak Corporate in Ensigns of Command(9)

So I hope you're feeling ready, feeling at your peak

cuz it's all going down on the boards next week

Do your worst, but you gonna catch Hell

like a city named Shaka when the walls fell(10)

1. Andrew Koenig, who portrays Tumak, previously played the character "Boner" on the show Growing Pains.
2. Koenig's Growing Pains co-star Kirk Cameron later starred in the film adaptation of the popular Christian book series Left Behind.
3. Andrew Koenig's father played Pavel Chekov on the orignal Star Trek series.
4. Sirna Kolrami, from the TNG episode "Peak Performance", was a grandmaster of the game Strategema
5. Prophesied paradise of the T'Rogorans in "Sanctuary".
6. Jake's friend Nog provoked a fight with Tumak in that same episode.
7. Planet of pacifist aliens, first encountered in TNG's "Allegiance".
8. Powerful explosive, used in Soran's star-destroying weapon in Star Trek: Generations.
9. Alien race who forced human settlers off of a colony .
10. Tamarian metaphor for failure or defeat.

Anne Hathaway

Originally Appeared Here

I always get her confused with the girl that married Shakespeare(1)

Maybe I had too much booze with my man Johnny Frakes, here

In Ten-Forward get served on by Guinan

Had to get away, DS9 was too confinin'.

In walks a girl who's one in a million, 

But which one will she choose, Starfleet or civillian?

I tell her, "He's a piker, he'll only take you half the way

Didn't the Captain tell you Riker had his shot at a Hathaway?(2)

I'm hot like a volcano, he might as well be dormant."

There's no way she could say no to Sisko's Peak Performance.

Will may get green-skinned babes like he was Captain Kirk,

But he's saying, "Bye-bye Hathaway" like he was Ensign Burke.(3)

1. Anne Hathaway, 1556-1623, Wife of William Shakespeare.
2. Riker was offered command of the U.S.S. Hathaway in the TNG episode Peak Performance
3. Quote from the same episode.